Blame it on the planets: these last few days while mercury has been trying to get its shit together, I’ve been in mental fucking turmoil. Perhaps it is my double-Cancer nature that sends my emotions upside down while the planets do their thing, perhaps it is my own annoying habit of trying to feel secure about everything inside of myself all of the time… I can’t really say. Either way I’ve had a lot more realizations in the last week than I have had in the last six months, and although they are painful for me to understand, they are exactly the type of answers that I am looking for.
This is what the mercury has taught me about love and oppression, two of the most present concepts in my mental space: if I want to love, then I must accept oppression. It may sound like a simple concept or maybe one that is far-fetched, I’m not exactly sure yet. What I am sure of is that this is my newly discovered truth, one that is undoubtedly difficult to swallow. All of the resistance that I have cultivated within myself has largely been based on my rejection of oppression and my desire to disassociate myself from all aspects of it. Perhaps it was naive but I also think it was a necessary step in my own personal journey of mental emancipation … I had to have that feeling of rejection to be able to originally break myself free from the complacency that so many of us simply fall into without even knowing it, keeping the cogs of the great oppression machine turning, allowing our humanity to be systematically stolen from us as we remain in a state of ignorant agony… I had to reject oppression first before being able to come full circle to accepting it once more, this time hopefully a little wiser and with more clarity. It seems that the time has come for me to enter into a new stage of my tumultuous relationship with oppression, the state of acceptance.
It is so difficult to have acceptance because it can feel like resignation. It feels as if I am giving up my struggle and my resistance to the one thing in the world that hurts me the most. It feels like surrender, like loss, and the reality is that we are experiencing loss all of the time – loss of what could have been, what we could have had; the unknown and untapped pieces of our humanity that die along with the rest of our unfulfilled hopes and dreams. Oppression has been winning this entire time, but at least not completely, or else we wouldn’t even be here anymore. And while we are still here living and dying and loving and suffering oppression remains looming over us, hindering our hopefully inevitable collective liberation of humankind. I’ve been trying to fight a battle for a long time that I simply cannot win on my own. I have been like a fish that is trying to resist water, but as much as this water is polluting us and making us sick it is still where we exist, and as much as I hate to say it, we need it to survive. I can see the distinction now; the water is not the pollution, the pollution is just part of the water, but all the same I must accept it as a whole if I ever intend to live, to actually live and not be crippled and paralyzed by my recognition of this poison/pollution and the ways in which it takes so much from us.
In a way I suppose, I am giving up. Not my convictions or my resistance, but giving up the battle that I’ve been so invested in fighting, the battle against oppression. I cannot actually change the fact of our polluted world – I only have the power to change myself. I do not have the power to cleanse or liberate humanity as a whole, only the power to try and rid myself of all the bullshit that has been forced upon us, invading our lungs and our lives every day. I honestly don’t know if this will have any effect at all, but at least the power of our collective pollution will be lessened to the degree in which I do not allow it to infect me; a testament to the equal power that can be accessed within our own humanity, a proof that as much as we have to accept the reality of the world that surrounds us, we do not have to succumb to it.
So this is what mercury and the planets have been trying to guide me towards, answers to my own struggles that I have been seeking. Not only does change begin within ourselves, but it actually cannot extend much farther than that, as hard as it is to accept the things that we cannot change. If I truly want to emancipate myself from mental slavery, to liberate my own mind to the greatest of my ability, then I must first pass through the gate of acceptance, so that I can move forward towards the paradise that is love, loving everything, pollution and all.